haunted by shadows

tainted truths
tainted truths

I got this tip from the Daily Post to write about anything; and she gave us 5 points to tackle. the 5 topics are all interesting; the first one though is about “the last thing that made us mad”. I decided to write about it, but not really “thing that made me mad”; its more of the last thing that made me cry.

Presently I am enrolled in one of Harvard’s course, GSE1x. Immunity to Change. It’s all about unlocking our potential to change and become a better version of ourselves. You may want to try it though. It’s a powerful course, and very much challenging. To me it feels like knowing myself more; not the kind of knowledge that I portray –  the kind that I want people to see; its more of me, in the inside of  “me”.  We were asked to come up with something that we can call a personal goal; to change for the better “me”. Of course I wrote too many. As I continue to encounter the course materials, videos, readings and self assessments; I got stuck at one point. And it was a tug of war.

My goal was “to get better at not quitting (quickly). Or say, get better at pursuing things, despite the challenges that I face”. It’s kind of vague goal, because when I looked back at my experiences; I noticed, that I quit all the time; and a lot of things that I started; I left open or unfinished. So I wanted the focus to be there, and learn my way through. I thought it was simple.

Week 2 started asking about our “worry box” -what are the things that worry me, if I quit?  The question played on and on in my head, until in a huge pride; I said, “I am not worried at all” I quit because I want to quit, and I tried to move on..oh so me.. But then again, I have to change, I committed to change…and I did not know how.

Believe me; I have revised my improvement map several times. Until today; I started crying. It’s week 6 now in my course; and honestly, last week; I wanted to give up. In our sharing; I posted this:

Last week I almost gave up on this course. I found myself in the corner of my past. I feel like all these time, I was strong enough to bear all that life has given me. Yes, I live a strong character, very strong that when I was asked about my goal, I just simply wrote; be better at not quitting. I posted some of my thoughts, because when I encountered the “worry box”; I realized, I do quit, and I am not worried at all. I took all my experiences of quitting as lessons in life, in its most practical way that is applicable to my being, so I did not regret my “quitting”. Then again, deep inside; I know there is something that I must change, so I searched and thought deeper. I was stuck at week 5, really. I wrote too much, revised my map several times, and I couldn’t get to the bottom of it. “just one goal…please..” I told myself. Then I found myself crying…I was emotional. I thought to myself; “I have fought the hardest times in my life, and I gathered all the positives, to keep me going, I practiced the kindness, where in fact; had I not, and considering my VERY dark past; I could have been the worst person on earth, I would want to take revenge in its fullest form…but I chose to be good, act good and be a good friend, sister, daughter and a great mother”. I was very defensive. Little did I know; I was protecting my past. I do believe all of us have created our perimeter. Nobody is allowed to jump or gate crash, we will react, for sure. Then I suddenly realized, I give up easily, yes. I quit easily without regrets, yes. I feel good about it? -yes. But the question is “why”. Why do I quit? Why do I run away, why do I change course or path? It bounced to me that:
I do it because I want to avoid criticisms. I get defensive if I am criticized. I flare up; I react in advance if I sense the heat coming. And I didn’t want to face it. Because I know (my big assumption is ) that I will be reminded of it again and again. I will be blamed, insulted and I don’t like that feeling. Just like my past; I just want to forget it. So I leave. I turn my back, and never allowed myself to face it. This sharing is so meaningful to me. Some will see it as a long story but, you must know, that as I write this, my tears painfully run from my eyes, I feel the pain and the choke in my throat…this course would not only lead me to identify the root of my quitting, this would discuss my past (though not in public) through my self evaluations. The past that has gathered together and created a huge shadow, the shadow that I wanted to get away with..the dark shadow that overwhelms me..it is too big that no matter how I tried to run away from it, it runs faster than me; that sometimes I actually bump into it. Yes I want to change and be a better person, and I plan to continue no matter how painful it would have to be, to deal with my past.
Thank you very much GSE1x Team.

So, the last thing that made me cry?  is this.

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